Twenty-four hours after archaeologists stumbled on a billion-year-old reservoir in Northern Canada, Evian Natural Spring Water announced that it had purchased the rights to bottle and sell this water worldwide. Elder Evian promises to deliver delicious taste and crisp flavor--with a twist.
Evian Executive Wallace Shoestort sat down to discuss the exciting new product: "many of our customers are young children who desperately want to be older. Over 85% of the 500 middle school females that we interviewed wished they were in high school--and many even expressed the desire to be in college or married with children." This niche market, Shoestort explained, was previously uncharted territory for the water bottling business. But that's all about to change.
"Our research suggests that drinking the world's oldest water--available exclusively in our silver Elder Evian bottles--has stunning aging results," Evian announced in a recent press release. Shoestort explained that "drinking just two bottles a day has shown to deepen middle school boys' voices and increase young girls' chest sizes by up to half a cup. Some of our subjects even began to smoke or drink alcohol over the course of the study! This is truly a miracle beverage."
The question on everyone's lips is, of course, how does the water work? Shoestort is staying mum, but scientists have suggested that over millions and millions of years, the water may have built up high levels of methane and HGH, human growth hormone. Despite not knowing the mystery ingredient, parents are thrilled at the prospect of the new product: "I can't wait for my daughter to get past this pimply, awkward stage," one mother shared in an anonymous survey. "She's embarrassed to be seen with me." To the delight of precocious children and parents everywhere, Shoestort says that Elder Evian will be available to the general public in a few short months.
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